There are two types of giving. Unconditional and Conditional.
- Unconditional is Spirit given and Conditional is man made.
- Unconditional feels good immediately and Conditional has the promise of delayed gratification.
- Unconditional is from the heart, Conditional is from the mind.
- Unconditional is a connection with soul, Conditional needs connection to others.
- Unconditional pleases both the giver and the receiver.
- Conditional needs conditions to be met to feel better.
- Unconditional Giving increases our energy and Conditional depletes it.
Difference Between Unconditional Giving and Conditional Giving
The difference between Unconditional Giving and Conditional Giving, is the intention. Unconditional giving has the intention of ‘giving because it feels good’. There is no other agenda and no thanks required. On the other hand, Conditional Giving is as the name suggests. Giving to get a return, whether praise, appreciation, acknowledgment. These expectations don’t seem so bad except that if those conditions aren’t met, there are negative consequences.
My Early Experience
This difference between the two types of giving was illustrated to me many years ago when I was a Promotion’s Manager for a charity organisation. I had both paid staff and volunteers to manage and one of the Fundraisers that came under my portfolio was a Thrift Shop. It had only a couple of paid staff, the other dozen or so people were volunteers. Each time I made an appearance, I was amazed at the amount of bitchiness, theft, resentment, complaints and numerous dissatisfactions from the volunteers. In a nutshell, they were complaining that their needs hadn’t been met.
This came as shock to me because I was witnessing people that said they wanted to help but it turned out there was a price, even if it wasn’t money. The price was much more difficult to deal with than finances as it was an unknown quantity. Everyone of them had different needs. If you’ve ever worked with volunteers before, you will understand that most tend to need a lot of praise and appreciation. Now I’m all for thanking people, but this is when I had a huge moment of clarity.
Conditional Giving Is A Crowded Path
I could see that the way I was brought up was the same as these people. I also needed that praise to make my giving worthwhile. They gave because they either thought they had to or because they expected others to fill their cup. This was two-fold. They didn’t realise they were doing it and it was making them miserable. This was a reflection of my life. That’s when my turning point came. I decided ‘no more’. I would choose to give just because it felt good, or not at all. I felt immediate relief and that’s how I knew it was right for me. I really, really did not want to be like the people I was witnessing. They just weren’t happy campers. This was why I had the realisation. I had thought that if you were retired and could afford to give your time, you would be happy to do so. But I was wrong. If you gave conditionally in the past, retiring is not going to make any difference.
The advantage of Unconditional Giving is the absolute freedom it provides. There is no expectation and nothing needed to feel fulfilled. The act of giving is the reward. It is satisfying, fulfilling, connecting and energising. And I decided I wanted that.
Are You An Emotional Caretaker?
A Caregiver is different from an Emotional Caretaker. A Caregiver is somebody who looks after a person in need, be it the elderly or a disabled person. This giving can either be conditional or unconditional. It’s your choice.
Not all people who give conditionally are Emotional Caretakers.
An Emotional Caretaker is a person who gives because they think that it will please others. They are one part of a relationship triangle. They feel guilty if they don’t help out, yet resentful when they feel they should. A Caretaker will give of themselves in an effort to make another feel good. It seems selfless until you understand that you really have no control over how another person feels. The condition is, that they must feel good and be grateful so that the Caretaker can feel good too. An Emotional Caretaker has an agenda that can be well hidden, even from themselves. When expectations aren’t met, there’s a negative emotional result.
How do you know if you’re an Emotional Caretaker? Caretakers focus on another’s pain so they don’t have to notice their own pain. They focus on another’s needs so they don’t have to look at their own. Always finding others to ‘help’ so that they don’t have to notice what’s going on in their own home. However, the giving is conditional. An Emotional Caretaker needs the receiver to be grateful, so that they can fill their own cup, otherwise they feel rejected and resentful. You can often recognise an Emotional Caretaker by their verbiage. “I give and give and feel drained at the end of the day”. Or “I have to learn to set boundaries” and criticisms like “You’d think they would be grateful”. I can hear you say “That’s me!”
What Are Emotional Caretakers Searching For?
We are taught to be Emotional Caretakers when we are young. It’s how we fit into the family unit. It’s not that anybody said to us “You must be an emotional caretaker”, but our mother or someone we admired probably did it, so we adopted the behavior from them. It had its own rewards. Society thought we were caring and loving. We were validated temporarily so we seemed to fit. However, this is hollow praise as it is outside of us and you can’t fill a cup by tipping water on the outside.
Not everyone wants to give unconditionally and that’s ok. There’s no judgment on how you choose to give. Many people are so accustomed to this style of gratitude that they either think they’re entitled to make others respond to them or they’re afraid to give it up for fear of feeling unloved. Conditional Giving requests praise and adoration. It’s a condition of the Giving, even if it is unconscious. Needing to feel accepted by others lies deep within the psyche, so if we don’t love and accept ourselves, we’ll look for it from others. Here lies the paradox in that acceptance. If we have a need to please and others don’t accept our giving graciously, then we feel resentful. If we give because we feel we have to, we feel drained.
Unconditional Giving fills you and Conditional Giving drains you.
Imagine Unconditional Giving as an unlimited source, such as a flow of electricity. The electricity is the power source and we are the lamp through which it flows. When we are plugged into the power source, we shine brightly. Our light shines for us and others are able to see because of the glow. Our light is unlimited as our power is unlimited. When we detach or unplug from the power source, we are limited in how much light we can give. Our power drains quickly, and even if we have reserves, we are soon depleted with no more to give.
When we understand how giving flows, we’re no longer limited by having to create boundaries as they become natural. Our priorities shift from how much can I give, to how brightly can I shine?
So how would I change the situation I found myself in with the group of volunteers at the Thrift Shop? I would change me and make sure I was plugged in to an energy Source. I would set my intentions to ‘feel good no matter what’, and I wouldn’t step out of my front door until I was plugged in. It just wouldn’t be worth it. I would much rather feel energised at the end of the day than drained.
The only difference between Unconditional and Conditional Giving is the Intention.
6 Steps to Unconditional Giving
If your Giving is Conditional and you would like to change it then follow these steps:
- Begin setting intentions to feel good, often.
- Take notice of your moods and
- What the expectations from others are.
- Notice the shift in your mood when something hasn’t gone as expected, especially if there wasn’t even an awareness of expectations in the first place.
- Note the way you enter that relationship triangle; by feeling sorry for someone or being manipulated in some way, feeling trapped.
- Keep a diary of these thoughts and emotions, it can help to extract them from your mind.
We have taught others we are Emotional Caretakers and now they expect us to act in a particular way. So be ready for the transition to freedom. It can be a bumpy ride but hang on, it’s worth it!
Continue your Journey with 6 Dimensions of Healing – Handbook
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We’ve all experienced them. The people that seemingly suck the very energy right from under us. It’s an emotional storm. This had happened to me many times before I had a vision in a meditation that changed my perspective and my life. This is what it looked like.
I was walking down the street with a big bubble around me (my energy bubble), when I came across somebody else (also with an energy bubble). I was feeling great and they were having some trouble. Whilst we were talking I could see our bubbles begin to mix. Eventually, she left the conversation feeling better and I felt drained. We still had our own bubbles but the mix inside those bubbles had changed. Our energy had mingled and my mood had significantly shifted in a direction I wasn’t happy about.
What I discovered from this vision was that we all have our own mood which is symbolised by an invisible (to most) energy bubble around us. Others have their own energy bubble which is determined by their own mood. When we communicate with another, our energies mingle and the most dominant mood wins. In other words, because she was dominantly feeling poor and I wasn’t aware of my mood at all, my mood took a fall (see the mood map) and hers lifted. She felt better and I felt worse.
People are often referred to as draining, or a leach or even an energy vampire. These are terms used to describe a union that has left a person emotionally drained. Our first response is to avoid the people altogether and sometimes that can work. But if you don’t know who they are, you need to work with them or they’re a part of your extended family, avoidance is not a good option. However, there is another solution.
It’s easy to blame others for how we feel, but we really do have the power to not only hold our own space, but to influence others towards our own great feeling mood. The reason we get pulled into another’s storms is because we usually aren’t prepared for the adverse weather. Often there is no storm warning.
?Here are 5 Steps to weather an emotional storm:
1. When holding our own good feeling mood becomes a conscious choice, we are more prepared to weather an unknown storm.
2. Setting our intentions to “feel good no matter what” at the beginning of the day, is excellent preparation for any storm, no matter which direction it arrives from.
3. Become a skilled Spin Doctor to get really good at changing the subject, to follow our own path of joy.
4. Not buying into another’s argument. It’s just their opinion and that’s OK.
5. Having an inner mantra to counteract the hail from the storm. (It’s not my reality. Or Wouldn’t it be great if …)
These 5 steps are your insurance. They will automatically encourage people out of their storm and towards your joy without you diminishing your own mood. It’s only when we are aware that we can maintain our great feeling mood and keep our own energy bubbles intact.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s at work, home or play, we all come across these situations. Our power comes from being prepared so that we can stay in our own strength and joy. Sure it takes practice, but it’s certainly worth the effort.
Let’s face it, what are the options?
Unless you’re going to avoid everybody who’s not in a great mood, it’s much more practical to develop empowering tools to stay energised. Otherwise it’s the blame game that will be played over and over. Which isn’t really a solution, it’s an excuse, because we’re still left drained and annoyed at the end of it.
The other person doesn’t necessarily change. If you’re in control of the union, they may feel uplifted, but the aim of the game is to keep our own mood buoyant. Isn’t that selfish? I hope so. Because if you aren’t selfish enough to help yourself to feel good, nobody else is going to make that their priority. So one of two things will happen. They are either happy to come along for the ride, or they’ll make their excuses to depart. Either way is a win for us.
The 5 steps above are what I used to take my power back and because I do healing work, it was important for me to maintain my frequency. Rather than drained at the end of the day, I felt empowered and re-energised. The bonus is that not only did it help me to focus on what I really wanted and that was, to feel great, but my clients were naturally uplifted as well.
If you’d like to find out more about how energy works get your copy of 6 Dimensions of Healing – Handbook
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Let there be light. I often think about what it would be like to go to a new place and set up my life in totally unfamiliar territory. I have done that and I still ponder taking on this challenge again. It didn’t always go according to plan. So that gives me not only a sense of the unknown, but a memory of things having gone wrong. Rather than the fear of a completely knew scenario, there is also the fear that things may not work at all. It doesn’t paralyse me, but it does put that next step on the back burner (at least for a little while).
But that’s not how I want to feel. I want to feel the excitement of a new scene. I want to expand my horizons with new opportunities, and I do want to feel the exhilaration of the wind in my hair as I travel in the fast lane. I really love and want to experience more funcitement. (That’s a word I came up with. It’s excitement without the fear and lots of fun instead.) Getting up every morning with a sense of achievement and a whole new world ahead of me, is my idea of funcitement.
So how do I achieve the fun without the fear?
I pondered this in my meditation and this is the vision I received. My guidance was standing with me. There were many standing behind me and shedding much light in many directions but it was still dark ahead. Then I asked them to move ahead of me and send the light ahead. The fear dissipated as I was surrounded by light. The light wasn’t coming from me and emanating outward. It was ahead of me and lighting the path back towards me.
What was unknown became visible. That’s always the key to fear. Making the unknown, familiar. Rather than the light moving outward, it was illuminating the path in front of me. Instead of it coming from me, it was traveling to me.
Now I know from experience that feeling the funcitement and making decisions is the best way to create joy, however, the next piece of the puzzle is in holding the light. Because when I am on my journey and things happen quickly, as they tend to do, I have a tendency to wander into fear mode. It’s much like buyers remorse but it’s worse. Much worse. It’s decision remorse. And it leaves me second guessing myself by pondering if I wouldn’t have been better off where I was before. These types of thoughts leave me feeling totally unsupported so it’s not a game I’d like to play over and over again. (Even though many people do.)
Thriving in The Light of Change
I want to feel a sense of sureness and security from a move into the unknown. I need to feel supported. Plus a sense of this being right. Also the feeling of sureness of myself and my decision. To believe in myself, because if it was right before, it is still right now.
It’s practicing that last detail that will advance my journey forward into the unknown. I’m never alone and if I feel that I am, I know I’m not connected to my source energy. When that happens, my focus is to get connected. Because when I’m connected, I can see the light my guidance shines towards me. I feel powerful in my own life. That’s how I want to live my life moving forward. Powerful and connected to who I really am.
Finding the Guidance Within
To move in the direction of my dreams I have taken a 30 Day Challenge to spend 10 minutes a day (or night) writing, speaking or recording ‘as if’ the future has already unfolded. In this way my future self is illuminating the path for my reality self. In essence I am showing myself the way forward. It’s tapping into my higher guidance and finding the answers within. I love this method as I glean a lot of insight into what steps to take next.
The ‘as if’ method is nothing new. In fact, imagining ‘as if’ something has already happened is even in the bible I am told. The part that was illuminated for me, is the lighting of the path for my now self to follow. In effect, showing myself the way forward.
If you’d like join me and take the 30 Day Retrospective Illumination Challenge, and follow your own inner guidance, then stay tuned and make sure you join our community.