Recently I was asked to write about something my parents taught me. I thought about that for a while and decided that they taught me they weren’t my best advocates. They weren’t my biggest fans. If I had an idea or opportunity, they weren’t the ones to cheer me on. It seems they weren’t a positive role model.
Role Model and Anti-Role Model
Now this may sound quite negative, but actually this is how all opportunities for growth begin. We have role models and we have what I call anti-role models. The difference between the two is that a role model inspires you to be like them and an anti-role model deters you from being like them. Both are crucial to your development.
We see Role Models in our society as being pivotal to our success. They are the ones that lift us from mediocrity by inspiring something better that stirs within. However, inspiration comes when you are in a mood that is close enough to reach it. So, if you are feeling angry, discouraged or even overwhelmed (check out the Mood Map), you are not likely to be in the vicinity of inspiration.
However, when you feel this way, you are very aligned with an Anti-Role Model. Someone who will bring you back down to Earth with a thud by reminding you of your shortcomings. It’s the ones we are closest to that become the instigators for change. These are the people we have grown up with. We have a level of respect for them, whether a parent or a boss, a friend or work colleague. When they demean or diminish you, they are your anti-role models. They bring emphasis to something that needs changing.
Discern Who Shares Your Dreams
For instance, someone not believing in your dreams or your abilities. It did take many years of feeling sorry for myself to get over this unfortunately, but everything happens in it’s own time. Eventually I decided that I needed to believe in myself. It was a scary proposition because there was nobody to catch me when I fell. No one to blame if it didn’t work out and nobody to talk it over with. But that wasn’t the end, it was only a stepping stone. It helped me look for strength and support. Not support from others but an inner connection. I found that when I felt good I was strong and felt supported. I began to discern who I could tell my ideas and share my dreams with and who I shouldn’t.
You see, dreams and ideas are fragile. They are in their infancy and need to be nurtured. It’s our job to protect them and give them the nourishment they need. In this case, their food is encouragement, excitement, enthusiasm, refinement. Share them only with people who will help nurture them. Keep them safe within until they are at a stage where they can no longer be contained. By then, they will be teenagers and want to test their environment. These dreams have been well fed and have now developed to a stage of believing in themselves. They still aren’t ready to take on the world but they are rapidly growing in strength. Let them grow.
It’s at this time your carefully nurtured dreams begin to develop momentum. As others are interested in what they’re about, more come and join their path. Likeminded people who help grow their journey.
Soon, the idea that was but an embryo is a full entity of its own.
Can One Person be both Role Model and Anti-Role Model
Mine all began with parents who pushed me away. Had they not have done this, I may still be looking for their approval. I might still be asking their permission and I may never have believed in myself. If that had happened, this idea could never have been birthed and the dream would not have become real.
Is it possible to have both role models and anti-role models in the same person? Yes it is. Because it’s often not the whole person you dislike, it’s the behavior. So a person can squash the hopes and dreams of a child (because they are afraid) and they can laugh and run and kick the ball with them, inspiring a close relationship.
How To Use Role Models
See your role models as providing patterns of behavior that you’d like to adopt. In that way, nobody has to live up to your expectations. Look for someone in your life that emulates the relationships you’d like and say to yourself “I’d like some of that”. Find someone different who parents in a way you admire and say “I’ll have some of that”. When you come across somebody who loves life, you can say “I’ll adopt some of that thank you”. In this way you are moving toward something you want, borrowing the best of humanity, rather than trying to push away something you don’t want.
You can never push against a thought hard enough for anything to leave your vibration because we live in an inclusive Universe. And that’s why clearing doesn’t work. The more attention you give something, the more you invite it in. So, by all means acknowledge your anti-role models and what you didn’t like. Gripe about what you’d rather not have picked up along the way and what you resent. Then, when you’re ready, build your bridge by using the inspiration of role models and walk over that bridge to something new and enjoyable. Imagine it, love it, immerse yourself in it and burn the bridge behind you.
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Did you enter the New Year of 2019 with a big bang and a pocket full of intentions? You wouldn’t be on your own. Usually people set their New Year’s resolutions as a sort of wish list formed from past guilt.
For instance; the most common New Year resolutions are to get fit, lose weight, give up smoking or drinking and visit family more often. After a month or two, you berate yourself for not having followed through and after three months, you have forgotten all about having even made them.
That’s because they weren’t something you were committed to, they were just something you felt guilty about, so thought you should do. There’s a big difference between being feeling guilty and being committed.
Choose Something You Feel Passionate About
So for this New Year, I decided to let go of the resolutions altogether and my husband and I sat down on New Years Eve and made some commitments for the coming year ahead. Not very many. Actually there were only two. But these were something we felt passionate about, we could do together and felt excited to begin.
And that’s the secret to any resolution or commitment. The journey needs to feel inspired. It’s wonderful to feel motivated about the end result but it’s the journey that takes the longest time. So if you aren’t excited about the journey, you won’t even reach the destination.
We didn’t need to write down our roles. We’ve been together for 30 years now, so we know where each other’s strengths lie and Allan’s the ideas man, I’m the researcher and organiser and we both bring in different content. I’m the one who pulls it altogether and Allan will market the result. We respect what each other brings to the table and we both have our individual visions of how we want this to unravel.
This is the most excited I’ve felt about any resolutions in the past and I don’t feel any pressure from guilt to make this happen.
What are your New Year Commitments?
Do you know what you want to achieve this year? Did your resolutions support this goal? Or is it still a dream? (The Difference between a Dream, Goal and Desire) You will know when you are ready to move forward on your goals as you will feel excited about the next step and then the next.
But please don’t take action if you aren’t inspired to do so, as the road will be bumpy and difficult. This just means that you aren’t ready yet. If this is the case for you, then spend time pondering and imagining and refining the details of this dream until you do feel inspired to take action. Inevitably, when you do, the action will be more powerful, enjoyable and worth the wait.
Welcome to a brand New Year. A year of new beginnings, fun and laughter. If that’s what you want!
Oh and remember to pick up your copy of 6 Dimensions of Healing – Handbook here. It’s a new beginning to a new you.
We’ve all been there. Stuck in a situation where you have to work with someone who openly resents you. At work this can be very difficult. It doesn’t matter how nice you are to the person, they just seem to resent you more.
And it’s true. Sometimes, just your presence will annoy people.
This can be for many reasons. Some are:
- You’ve done something to upset them
- You have annoying habit patterns
- They resent your position
- You’re happy and easy to get along with
- You’re too positive
These reasons may seem illogical. I mean, if you are happy, then won’t everyone like you? Not necessarily. But we’ll get to the reason in a moment.
Evaluate the Reasons
- So you may have done something to upset someone. If you are aware of that, you can apologise. If you aren’t, the method of handling this is to ask them. Get them alone, look them in the eyes and ask “You seem to be upset with me. Have I done something to upset you”? Say it sincerely and be concerned. Because you really do want to know the answer if there is one. However, in my experience, nobody answers that question. It does clear the air though and that is the purpose.
- Do you have annoying habit patterns? What about interrupting people when they are speaking? Do you need to be heard all the time? Are you the type to back stab or climb all over people to get where you want to go? Do you exhibit the traits of a good listener or instead think about what you are going to say when others are speaking? Everybody wants to be respected and valued for their suggestions and ideas. When you interrupt a person’s suggestion, you are devaluing them as a person. If you aren’t sure whether you do this or not, ask a friend or colleague you get along with. Everything is changeable.
- There are people who are unhappy with their lot in life and and will therefore resent what you have. They think they should have been the one in that position, and they resent you for being there. This is definitely not personal, as they would resent anybody in the same position as you. However, it doesn’t make it easy to gain a positive working relationship. If you understand this as the case, then tackle it head on. Let them know that you understand they would have liked the position and you are sorry they didn’t get it (After all, it wasn’t your decision). That will help them to trust that you are on their side. You are an ally and not the opposition.
- People resent those who are easy to get along with. Many people will not like you, just because you are happy. This shines a spotlight on their unhappiness. They know what they need to do and yet they don’t want to make the effort to change their lives, so they resent the spotlight you have shone on their inadequacies. You can’t change how another feels about you, but you can change how you feel about them. When you understand that these insecurities are causing the personality imbalance, you can allow yourself to feel good anyway.
- Similar to the last reason, being positive annoys the heck out of people. Unless you are in a highly positive and uplifting environment (and then you won’t be having problems with your co-workers), people are so bogged down and focused on things that make them feel bad, that your positivity is downright annoying. Rather than seeing your positivity as something that could lift them out of their doldrums and make them more creative, they resent what they see as the magnification of their shortcomings and blame you for that. To change this, feel excited and positive within, rather than trying to express yourself in words. We teach by example and your example of positivity will always win out.
Why are people Difficult?
We either bring out the best or the worst in people. It all depends on whether we are focused on the best or the worst in people. Everybody exhibits both, so it’s your choice what you want to magnify in others. It is natural that when you bring out the worst in somebody that you would then perceive them as difficult.
Some people are difficult all the time and others are difficult occasionally. This can’t be controlled by you as it has more to do with what that person is thinking and feeling. If they could control their mood, then they wouldn’t be difficult.
When you focus on ‘feeling great, no matter what’, you will cocoon yourself in a bubble of your own joy. If others try to penetrate this bubble by their insensitivity or negativity, you reset your intentions to ‘feel great no matter what’ and look for things that are working. They could be the simple things in life or they could be something you imagine.
Choose How To Handle It Better
Don’t ever argue, as it is worthless. You can never win against resentment. Keep your voice even, as they will match you. Keep your body language open. No folded arms, foot tapping or frowning. If difficult people push your buttons, then get rid of the buttons. You don’t need them.
In this way, you will be paving the way for a happy working future as you create your own reality based on your dominant mood. Choose your mood consciously and you will be choosing a better future.
If you would like to read more articles on this try:
20 Tactics for Dealing with Difficult People
A realistic approach to dealing with people who don’t like you.